Validation
Welcome to Whipit's first monthly article: Validation.
To the left you will seen an unfinished artwork by me. It is not unfinished for any creative reason. I like where it is going. It is time consuming, but not difficult. I have had ample time to finish it, so I am left with nothing but the question of why aren't I just finishing it?
It is becasue it may or may not lead to the validation of a quality in me I may or may not want to know. When completed, it may show that I am a very capable and talented artist. It may also show that I have a long way to go and am really not that good. Yes, it has the potential for both, but because there is a negative possibility, it is safer to just not finish it.
I am even procrastinating writing this article for the same reasons.
But both my art and my writing are parts of a process within me that I enjoy very much, so why should your approval weigh so heavily on me? I could just finish the drawing or write this article and not share it. But not sharing these parts of me seem to make the creation of such things pointless. I want to share this part of me. I want to receive feedback. But why? These questions are why I chose 'Validation' as my first topic.
If you have followed my blog this last moth you will see some of my journey in answering these questions. I am re-reading the posts as I write and can see how much my view has changed in only a month. I have concluded two reasons for my need for validation from my process in the month gone by.
1) To ascertain that I am who I want to be in the face of the world.
2) To meet psychological needs.
Now let me explore each of these elements if you can be bothered reading.
1. Tell me who I am
Whenever I think of how people shape me, I cant help but think of this scene from Neon Genesis Evangelion. It sums it up perfectly.
When you watch this, you will understand what I think of why we are so influenced by others and how necessary it is to shape our own identity.
It is in my very nature to want to get to the roots of my thoughts and feelings. I do not know if this is a tendency in all people (I am guessing not because most people seem to deal with acceptance much better than I do) but it is something that can keep me awake one night and force me into excess sleep the next.
I have come to see this month that this tendency is why I look so desperately to other people for validation. Without others to confirm the functioning of my chosen personas, it would all just blend into the background and would be pointless. I need validation to confirm and identify who I am. I think we all do. Without this validation we cannot form our identities, identify things in ourselves we want to change and nurture the qualities in us that we like.
However, it is clear from my opening paragraph that I have turned this natural process of seeking validation into something very unhealthy. I use it as a reason to avoid trying new things and expressing myself. For me, the reason for this (or at least the reason as far as I could explore in the span of a month) can be found in Erikson's Stages of Development.
In my study and personal exploration, I have seen personal issues surrounding autonomy and initiative. I have developed a need for others to confirm my actions and opinions because I have not developed adequate confidence in myself to be able to stand alone and be content in my independence. I am working on this, and Whipit is a large part of this journey. No doubt these stages of development will be a theme of another Whipit article, so I will leave it here for now and let you explore for yourself. I am open to any questions you have though if you would like further elaboration.
I want to note here that this is a not reflection on my parents. They did all they could for me and more. Just because there is a psychological ideal does not mean that it can ever be a psychological reality. There are many good qualities in me that would not have been instilled if I was raised any differently. This personal discovery is a large part of why developmental psychology is a particular passion of mine.
2. Meet my needs, please
There is so much hype in the western world about individualisation. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but there are some unfortunate side effects like excessive self-centeredness and isolation. Validation also seems to be impacted, with the general subliminal message being 'Be you, you don't need validation from anyone'. This leads quickly down a slippery slope to 'I am incapable if I do need validation from others'. I don't really want to explain that slope, but please ask away if you need clarification.
Admittedly, I came into this topic trying to seek a way to release myself from the horrible burden of needing validation from others, hoping to free my expression and finally be true to myself. But in my exploration, I was reminded of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. You can read my blog post about my discoveries surrounding it here >>
I realised that there is a very good psychological reason for my need. Through receiving validation from those around me I receive assurance, safety and esteem. I am also given the opportunity to reflect on my views when they contrast those of the people around me and decide if they are self-serving, positive, damaging or just plain horrible. My need for validation is not a curse, it is ensuring I have my lesser needs met so that I can spend my time focusing on bigger things (like writing this blog <cough>). The problem at hand is actually in my inability to trust my own judgement and know when to hold my own or allow myself to be influenced by outside influences. That will take a lot more work.
Conclusion
I am surprised by how much insight and self assurance I have gained through one month of contemplation on one topic. Oddly enough, by realising that needing validation is a healthy thing in my journey, I feel that I do not need anyones approval for my choice to create this blog. Acceptance is the first step to healing, and I think my acceptance of my need for your approval has freed me of some of that need.
I have really enjoyed this month's journey. I hope you have too.
February awaits, what will the topic of enquiry be?
TL;DR?? Video summary here. It sucks, but if you can't be bothered reading, I suppose it will do.
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