Superego (and the ego-ideal)

It seems relevant that superego was my choice of topic for this month. I came into February with a full plate. Back at Uni, promotion at work, stabilising after stopping medication and my divorce papers coming through. Many opportunities to draw on all the social learning I've had to go through a range of emotions internally while still being accepted as part of society outwardly.

In this whirlwind, I was faced constantly with an awareness of how I was meant to be dealing with all of these mini (and not so mini) life events. Who was I dealing for? Was the dealing done for me, or for the appearance of dealing? I remember reading once about how society praise people for 'dealing so well' in the cases of grief, yet consider them to be 'falling apart' when that grief is expressed publicly. I could see this in my own processing this month- Externally I have functioned, internally I have been experiencing daily earthquakes, targeted at my identity. I'm sure most people will consider me to be doing well. Why wouldn't I be? New job opportunity, closure on my divorce, all the possibilities for my future now that I'm back at uni! How exciting!

How overwhelming...

As I waded through my emotions and thoughts this month, I realised that the topic of superego is much larger than can be contained in a few blog posts.

Theoretically, it can be summarised in a sentence. Psychology.com define it as "the component of personality composed of our internalised ideals that we have acquired from our parents and from society". Emotionally, however, I found it to be a much more convoluted topic. Instead of focusing on the super ego itself, my journey lead me to identify with one of the superego's three functions: Maintaining the ego-ideal which Freud described as the "desire to think well of oneself by livng up to valued ideals'.

Based on our culture, family, life experiences and countless other factors, we create an ideal. The kind of person we believe to be the ultimate in values, personality and action that we can be. I look at my ego-deal and I believe I am both all of it, and none of it. Nonetheless, I uphold it at every turn. I defend it's views, I act in a way that makes me believe I am living it, that I am it. If someone challenges my authenticity, I become defensive.

Perhaps an example is in order? There are countless, and even now I struggle to pick one that will not compromise the persona I want the world to believe I am. I think my faith is the most prominent, and the most painful, so for the sake of authenticity, I will share this one.

I worked for several years with a religious organisation (I think I have mentioned this before). Religion and politics are wonderful places where our ego-ideal can flourish, because they strive for a version of an ideal world. I presented the perfect character, everything that someone who represented the organisation was meant to portray. Kind, softly spoken, daily spiritual practice, had time for everyone, confidence and conviction in my seminars and faith. Was this who I really was? No, of course not.

I was a disciple of a practice, not Buddha or Jesus. If you look back at scripture, even they had their limits, and I am but a mere human. Inside I was doubtful, questioning and fatigued. Can you ever be truly convinced of something intangible? Did I really have infinite energy for all those who needed it? Did I meditate every night and pray? Nope, nope and nope. After 12 hour days of studying, seminar preparation, admin and fitting in conversation with anyone who needed it, all I wanted to do was go to bed and the only prayer that I managed was 'please, let my brain stop thinking so I can just sleep!'.

But despite the fact that all my actions were contrary to the person I portrayed, I still was able to convince myself that I was living up to the ideal of my organisation. There were many excuses and reasons, but I was clearly still a good person in my mind. This was my ego-ideal.

The problem with the ego-ideal is that when it comes to light that you are not an all perfect being, the fall from grace and be painful. When my ideal was challenged (and defeated) the superego stepped in and self-torment began. I should have known better than to act in such a way, I am not living up to my ideal, I am a horrid person. All the things I knew from my social conditioning built a case that put my ego-ideal in check.

For some, I imagine this is a healthy process. You reflect, reevaluate and build again. For me, it was a spiral of self-deprecation that I did not have the skills to break because my sense of self was solely based on an ideal, not a reality.

So, when I looked back on this month gone by I saw how my ego-ideal wanted me to present to the world. 'Everything is amazing, I have an amazing future ahead of me! I have moved on from that relationship! And I don't even need medication anymore, How fantastic I am!'

However, my reality of experience tells me that I will struggle to balance my new job and uni. Responsibility that comes with my new job will means I need to carefully monitor my anxiety. My choice to not take medication means I have to balance elements of my life to make sure I don't tip into depression. I know that my life is moving on, but I am still grieving for the relationship I lost and the healing process is not complete yet.

But can you imagine if I flung between these two personas? The ego-ideal and the realist in me? Despite my caution at the beginning of the month about the superego being just a 'social construct' I can see it has a very important role. It takes in my surroundings and balances how much of me I present and when. It keeps me realistic while also feeding my ego's needs for validation.

Our being is mammoth and cannot live as its entirety in every moment. Instead, we show parts of it in moments where that part will be best understood. Those closest to us will take the time to piece the moments together, and they are the ones who deserve to know the mystery that this effort unravels.

Reference (but this isn't an essay, people!)

Carveth, D. l. (2010). Superego, conscience, and the nature and types of guilt. Modern Psychoanalysis, 35(1), 106-130.