Updates, where to next?

In the last 2 years I have done some really extensive and exhaustive personal work or, as a friend put it, I have had to ‘reset’ myself. It was horrible, heartbreaking and necessary. For the New Year break I decided to ‘treat yo’ self’ to take stock of what I have done and let it soak in. After the seasonal family things, I began. I think I will dub it as a mental ‘Shavasana’. I won’t detail everything I did right now, and I did not do it all alone. I had help to kick-start it, then went on a solo road trip.

During the trip I gained closure and, for the first time in a long time, I felt at peace with my past. I reflected and felt proud of who I had become, giving me a sense of confidence, which I don’t ever recall having. Don’t mistake me though, I didn’t just sit around feeling nice about myself, I spent a lot of the time grieving. There were so many feelings that I had been trying desperately to keep alive, fearful that the life I had would really be finished once I made them a memory rather than an experience. I had to prepare to say goodbye to the me I once thought I was, the me who had been me for my whole adult life. But I saw vividly that there were better things waiting and holding on meant denying myself of possibility. It was time to let the past go, but it still hurt to say goodbye.

When I came out the other end, blinded by the light, I realized that the beat goes on and thought ‘what next, then?’ Rather than thinking too hard, I decided to just keep driving and see where my mind would end up. A need to express my creativity kept replaying, so when I came back from my Shavasana I made an effort to find outlets and see where it took me. I’ve had much more desire to paint and draw, and writing has proven to be unexpectedly satisfying.

And that is as far as I have gotten. Right now I am jumping into a ‘fearlessly creative’ project and will wait to see where that leads. It is already bringing thoughts to the surface about my femininity, mortality and human relationships. I’ve also had some strange moments around reality perception that left me disorientated, but they are still beyond my ability to describe. I don’t want this ‘wait and see what happens’ approach to keep going, but I still can’t quite make out what it is I am trying to grab hold of. That is really why I started Whipit, to figure out what my ‘thing’ is, after 34 years of not knowing, I have to accept it will take time.

When Whipit first started, my hope was to publish my developing awareness as it was happening, kind of like performance art. I thought this would happen through well thought out analytical articles about topics that attracted me. Then I took a break, and came back last September planning on using Whipit as a way to work through a BPD diagnosis. Now, I’ve come back and I’m using it to facilitate my thoughts on my own creativity. Even though the style has changed, I am still publishing and documenting my ‘developing awareness’ (can I find a less wanky term for that?). Just as I hoped, I am changing so Whipit is changing, that makes sense. What that means to me is that I am on track. I have gone through some of my earlier posts, and they are pretty dicky. They read like blog posts and it annoys me. I will probably think this one is dicky too when I re-read it a year from now. All part and parcel, read those posts and feel my vulnerability!

I hope you enjoy what is coming in the next few months. Keep at it fellow WIPs!